A friend of mine recently advised me to do some things apart from Eoin. I had to admit that I rarely take any time for just me. When Ashley is around, I usually want to be around too. And when he isn't, there is only me in this city to care for Eoin.
This Saturday afternoon, though, I decided to follow my friend's advice - I went to see the Eat Pray Love movie with a girlfriend. Walking briskly to make it there on time, it felt so nice to swing my arms, free from a baby or a stroller! I held my shoulders back, my poor shoulders that are usually curled inwards from the weight of my baby, and the weight of my responsibilities. On the skytrain, I stood tall and solitary in the crowd. I wondered, behind my sunglasses, if anyone noticing me would guess that I was a mother. I held my family like a secret, close to my chest. Look at me, I mused, pretending to be a single, childless woman!
Arriving home, however, I was instantly Mommy again. Ashley had a jam booked for the evening, so he was eager to hand off the baby and rush out. I held out my arms, and Eoin grappled into me with his whole body - my little monkey. Ashley had Eoin's supper all ready, and as I sat him down to feed him right away, Eoin laughed into my eyes. I think, at the same time, we were both thinking afresh, "What a lovely face you have!"
After supper, I hopped into the bath with Eoin. Then I wrapped us both in towels, and then I coated us both in his baby cream. Next, I got us both dressed in our pyjamas, and I settled us into the nursing chair for Eoin's bedtime bottle. Aahhh. Getting away had felt good, but being back felt better.
It took Eoin fifteen minutes to finish his bottle. For fifteen minutes, we snuggled in silence as he drank, and I let my mind wander back to the movie I had just watched. I had seen the main character living four separate lives: one, married and miserable in New York City; another, as a single woman in Italy, rich with friends and simple pleasures; a third, austere and emotionally stripped-down, life in India; and a fourth life, falling in love and smiling from her liver in idyllic Bali. One person, in one year, experienced all these different ways of living life. In fact, all over the world, people are living out their lives, and every single one is different than mine.
It makes me wonder: why can't I figure out a different life - one that allows me to be with Eoin while he is little? Among all of life's permutations, why does my path seem to have rails, steering me mercilessly away from my baby? And I think, if only I was more creative...if only I was braver...I could derail.
Because, of all the lives I have lived, my life as Eoin's mom has felt the rightest. That's why, on the skytrain, I feel like I am impersonating a solitary person, instead of feeling, at home, that I am impersonating a mother. That's why it is so odious to me that in three months, I am going to paying some woman to impersonate me, while I go impersonate an energy marketer.
But maybe the time away from Eoin will be good for us? Because it will make our time together that much sweeter, because it will keep our faces ever-lovely? Maybe, but the gamble feels mighty risky to me. Right now, when Ashley isn't around, there is only me in this city to care for Eoin. And that's the way I like it.
